I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
