fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
