I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
