There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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