I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
