Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
foreskin is a definite game changer
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
