I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
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So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
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Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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