I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
