I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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