Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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