Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
