I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
