Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
