..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
