; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
