I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
