just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
