Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
