Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
