Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
