I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
