Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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