haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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