I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just invented taco cereal.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
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I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
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I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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