bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
