Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
