at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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