Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
