He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
