8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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