If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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