I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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