There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
