Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
