never play flip cup with pint glasses
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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