Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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