So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
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You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
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my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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