This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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