I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
