My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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