How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
