I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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