Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
