I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
