Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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