and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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