remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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