i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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