is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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