ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
