so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Randomize
