I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
