new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
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You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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