she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
