if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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