so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
