Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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