Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
