While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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