I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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