I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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